Confession

I have a confession to make.

When I brush my teeth sometimes I forget I'm brushing them. No longer is the brushing about the cleanliness of my teeth. The act of brushing becomes an intimacy between my mouth and the minty brushing sensation. That is the point where brushing my teeth is no longer a duty or a hygenical ritual. It becomes more than that. It becomes something pleasurable.

Waiting

When I pictured myself graduated, I didn't expect my life to be like this. Summer school every day at 7:30. No job. My housemate still hasn't moved out of my bedroom, and I have nowhere to put my clothes. I'm still living out of a suitcase.

In his book Flabbergasted, Ray Blackston says, "We spend vast amounts of time and energy crafting a thesis in our heads of how life should play out. Then Almighty God spends an incredibly brief amount of time blowing our thesis to bits."

How freakin true.

I don't pretend to know what God is doing right now. I do know that every time I try to make plans for this part of my life I run smack into a brick wall. So I've stopped. Kind of. Sometimes I try again. But for the most part, it's easy for me to wake up with no expectations.

But waiting? I detest waiting. I'm not a patient person. I even expect my friends to wait on me, but I hate waiting on them. I can't remember the last time I was jobless. I've been working since I was 14. And now I'm supposed to wait for a job? I'm supposed to wait for my diploma? I'm going crazy here.

Waiting is probably the hardest thing I've done.

Update

Tonight I finally have breathing room. I finally am able to take a breath and look back.

School consumes my thoughts, my life. I guess it's supposed to be that way... I'm just focusing on making it. Yes, 32 more days and counting.

And I swear, if one more person asks me what I'm doing this summer....

I like to live life without a plan. Wing it. It's so stress-free. Until some "friend" here asks what I'm doing when I graduate in 32 days, and I say, "Oh, I'm not sure yet." Then comes the inevitable lifting of the eyebrows and the exaggerated "Ohhh ok." And I can read their stupid judgmental thoughts. And I hate them.

[This is not a reflection on Courtney, who actually asked me that a couple of days ago.]

I barely have time to think about today, and definitely not this summer.

Immersion

I'm leaving for school in 4 hours. Let that one sink in.

I hate this feeling. Do other people (non-BJU/PCC people) enjoy a new semester? When I drive back through those black gates, it's immediate immersion. Drowning. I can feel the fear. I admit, there are several reasons I'm going to bawl like a baby on graduation day. However, there are a multitude of reasons I'll be rejoicing. Going back reminds me more of the bad things than the good ones. Nervous because 115 days is plenty of time to do something stupid and find myself on the outside of the gates--involuntarily.

I will graduate.

Doldrums

For some reason, I've never been huge into blogging before. I had a xanga, but I mostly used it to post random lyrics I decided I liked. Lately I've been intrigued by blogs. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of the sudden overwhelming sense that I'm about to leave all known amenities and just might be alone with nothing but my poor computer with which to discuss my rambling thoughts. I mean, my roommates might not listen to me, but at least they are human beings, and my brain is comforted that I am not babbling aimlessly. This blogging method of communication placates me temporarily because I can tell myself that people will read what I write and that it won't be wasted.

Plus I'm at work, and I'm bored.