Livin' on dreams and spaghetti-o's, wonderin' where my life is gonna go

There are certain moods that surface in one's self late at night. For me, there tend to be three different moods: whiny and sleepy, giddy and hyper, or pensive and melancholy. Tonight is a pensive and melancholy one.

My mother recently told me that my life is going nowhere. Although this was a desperate plea to convince me to move back home, the accusation still sticks with me. Where is my life going? I am only 22, and it's okay to still be figuring that out right? Do people ever really know where life is going? Because no one can ever see the curves and potholes life contains, I guess I've always figured it's better to wander aimlessly with only a skeleton of a plan. Now I'm rethinking that thesis, wondering if I should have a game plan for life, complete with alternate routes and secondary and tertiary plans.

One of my friends told everyone her post-college plans were teaching in a school back home. The teaching job was no more than a possibility, but it provided an answer for alllll those people who asked where her life was going. It's tempting to do that, and that's basically what I've been doing. It gives me a small sense of control to say that I have a "plan."

No one takes a college graduate seriously who claims to have no direction in her life save wherever God sees fit to send her. And for that reason, I persist in making up the answer to those goal questions on applications. I continue to bullshit people whenever they ask what's next in my life. I pick one of my "options" and run with it. Remember, perception is reality.

I Know Why Baptists Become Atheists

A few days ago I was assaulted in the parking lot of a "prestigious" university by a student. The student had followed me all night prior to the physical and verbal contact. After the encounter, the attacker followed me halfway home. I nearly called the cops.

One would think that the university, which cares more about its reputation than its students, would attempt to control the violence, but apparently a person has to merely say he is sorry and quote some Bible verses in order for true repentance to begin in his heart. Never mind the fact that I have bruises or that I never received the apology.

Another interesting drama has unfolded with a different student at this God-fearing school. Slander is an easy and powerful weapon, and I have recently become a victim. In my entire life I have never encountered such poisonous hatred as recently, at this school claiming to be a "city on a hill"--a light to the dark world around it. And it is not only the school that assumes this "Christlike" reputation but the hateful students as well.

I am not perfect. I do a lot of things wrong. And being spiteful does not necessarily mean that the joy of the Lord does not dwell in you. But I do know this: a person who repeatedly lies for no other reason than to hurt another person should not claim Christ.

All this to say that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the lies and the labels and the boxes and the claims to know God. I'm sick of the slander and the hatred and the violence. I think I can sympathize with Paul, who was sick of the crap and exclaimed, "That's not the way you learned Christ!" (Eph 4: 20, paraphrased) Satan is corrupting the church. He is twisting it and perverting it. But I'm sick of hearing from the fundies that it is the contemporary church that is the perversion. The problem is with those prestigious, conservative fundamentalists who can't see past their rules and check boxes. (If it falls into certain guidelines, it's ok. If it doesn't follow the guidelines, it's bad.)

Can we just get back to the gospel, please?